16/6/26

today is my anniversary, which is nice. i'm mostly really grateful because as a bipolar person i managed to have a nice, normal-ish healthy relationship. today we finally went out. we went to some shops, got dvds and peaches. can you believe riley has never had a peach? british people really deeply concern me. i mostly got weird international movies today, nothing i was absolutely dying for. i like doing that tho, because i can discover something new that i might really really like. i also checked out this really cool bookstore, i bought closer by dennis cooper there. i think next time i go i will get queer by burroughs. it was super nice. i got riley this big dead space figure helmet thing, i think he's really happy with me.

last week we started moving my stuff too, we are almost done. i just need to clean out my clothes and kitchen. then clean my part of the flat, then i'm done with that place forever. great! ugh. i haven't heard anything back about the job, probably need a week more or two. then my dad tried sending me off to do a scam. he's so weird.

i'm playing lies of p and disco elysium. trying to feel better about pride month. trying to work out to appear more cisgendered. i hate that about myself. i envy cis-gay freaks deeply. even though being transgender makes me awesome.

13/6/26

okay, really need to start actually using my blog some more. I think I THINK my journal is now here at my boyfriends. right now i'm in the process of moving flats. as some may know, I had a horrible roommate but now I will soon be free of her! AWESOME. my move in day is July 1st, which is very soon. anyways, I did make that page about how I got rid of streaming. thank u to everyone who added really cool helpful stuff. anyways other than that, my anniversary is coming up. i'm not sure when me and riley will celebrate, but it's been 4 years.. weird. I've known this guy for 6 years now and we still don't hate eachother yay! 

anyways today we picked up as much as we could and dropped it off at my bfs for safe keeping, I felt so bad because I don't want to be an inconvenience. i'm still really grateful. I've been really tired all week, I keep having pretty dramatic mood swings. maybe I really need to go out again, it felt so nice to get in the car and go to mine just to pack up. I am really introverted, I guess, but it's still good to get out. if I'm inside I just get a little miserable. I really rely on routine, it just is healthy for me to sleep well, eat well, wake up and do something. pride month is also a little hard for me. as much as I like being gay, I almost don't enjoy feeling trans. I get very dysphoric, it makes me so sad and so shy. I just wish I was a cis guy instead. but it's ok, there is a part of me that appreciates being trans too. I just wish I wasn't so dysphoric. I applied for this job at the movies, which isn't even doing anything cool it's being a maintenance man. but I really like that idea, it keeps me away from people for the most part... but it gives me money and it gives me something to do. pray for me! 

I've been doing so much nothing, I played some games, but i'm struggling to keep up consistently. ace attorney was really fun, it fills my time. it makes me read and stuff, yk? I did get my copy of crash back, so i'm going to read that and maybe dig thru my other books because they're all here anyways. anyways, i'll update in a few days.. remind me to!!!!!!!!!!!! and also rn i'm listening to xiu xiu if you care.

19/5/26

once again, i haven't kept up with my own blog. i haven't been home since i finished uni. i haven't been home since i finished uni really, but i'm finally about to move out of that apartment. ANYWAYS

i finished all my work.. feels so good to have that pressure off me. i'd still love to get a job eventually, but we will have to see since i only just got off of school earlier this month. if anything, i've been a little stressed about my boyfriends work. been trying to help him study leading up to his exam yesterday. i hope he's done ok...other than that just playing alot of games, maybe i will volunteer at boyfriends mom's shop. i haven't decided yet. i'm just kinda nervous to think about any form of work. 

on the other note, a few cool things. i read "the sluts" by dennis cooper, it might've been one of my favorite books i've read in a while. on may 2nd i got a cool twin peaks tattoo. the artist was super nice. i realize that i've been getting more and more shy i think.. it's so embarrassing. eitherway i like it alot !!

 this is it fresh!! (i will post a pic once it's fully healed hehe)

other than that, i got some cool stuff for my silent hill collection. at some point i'll post the pics on my shrine of my entire collection!! which i'm very excited to share with those who might look. i might even begin working more on those pages in general... but here are my newest items.

 silent hill 4 and heather/cheryl mason statue!

sooo cool right!! i finally have ALL the core games (i also have homecoming just bc i found it) and now i can focus on general merch. literally this was the only statue in the store when i was there. i wonder what she was doing there, it's not everday we find this stuff in my bfs town. like EVER. i was so excited... i didn't really buy anything for the rest of the day other than some dvds. i ended up getting: 964 pinocchio, ebola syndrome, and the untold story. ebola syndrome and the untold story come with posters too!! im def gonna frame them and put them up in my new flat next year. i'm so nervous about moving tho.. because it just feels like such a hassle. the new landlords expect so much out of us too, in a flat that the landlords didn't repair for ages. so unfair. but it will lead to better things. i hate my current roommate. 

my mental health has been ok, i'm a little worried because my dad is coming to the uk for some work. he wants to see me like all the time probably. but im sure if i tell him no he would understand. its just that i want a lot of space from him, i almost live entirely seperate lives since moving out. i love him of course, but i just get really stressed out around him too.

i'm hoping that volunteering and working will make things better for me. i did just kinda remove someone from social media. i didn't say anything. i've done this a few times, but i should really keep this person away from me. it's not good for me. it's essentially self harm. one of the hardest things about being bipolar is letting people who have hurt me stay in my life. NO MORE! i should really try to allow myself kindness. it's not like that relationship benefitted me anyways, they were only kinda mean in their interactions. never asked about how i was doing.. etc. idk it just wasn't for me. we weren't really friends at that point. but now i'm so paranoid. it's not even like we spoke all that much now, but whatever. it's better for the both of us. i don't really want to talk about the full extent of this relationship here and it's just sad and boring. 

anyways i'm sorry for a lack of updates. uni was kicking my ass, but i'm going to start journalling again soon. my favorite pen ran out of ink now which sucks. oh yea! i finally got rid of AALLLL streaming. mp3s only now baby, ill go more in depth about that in the next post. 

14/4/26

I am OBSESSED with tomodachi life, again! I played it as a kid.. now I'm playing it again. other than that I finished my speedrun for re7. but I am so exhausted of uni. it's almost over. I go to Manchester probably on sunday :(

13/4/26

it's a few days later now, i didn't get the position. it's whatever. i'm a little bummed out about it, but onto other things!

i booked a tattoo with riley, we are getting twin peaks tattoos. i'm working on the re7 platinum, i'm also playing some pokemon snap. i have never played a pokemon game in my life. i go back to uni on the 20th. no one else is doing anything in the group project.. UGH.

i'm excited to go back to uni tho, i miss my friends.. i like going, but summer is almost here! i have so much planned. tattoo, epic rap battles of history gig, moving into my new place, afi gig, hopefully get a job!!!

9/4/26

god i havent written anything since what... my birthday? im so sorry yall

these last few months have been hectic, i was staying at my bfs to avoid my awful awful roommate. i have a group project, i have so much other shit due. now it's spring break. break has been alright so far, just relaxing and enjoying my time with riley..

later today i have an interview for an internship, god, im so fucking nervous about it. this is the first call back ive gotten for literally ANYTHING at this point. i have nothing interesting to share otherwise..

umm on may 2nd im getting a tattoo yay, twin peaks themed as well! im working on getting rid of streaming entirely... im working on so many things. but i still feel like i have nothing to say. had a big haircut, i have two weeks of school left. 

i'll update on how my interview goes..

ok, i think the interview went ..ok? i'm not even sure. i was so nervous and i struggle with doing interviews a lot. i wish i didn't

22/2/26

i haven't been writing at all it seems... sigh :( but my first appointment for my hrt went well!! im going back next week. ive been so busy, i haven't journaled much and now im with riley and didn't bring my note book with me..

yesterday i celebrated my birthday! i feel so lucky. to my boyfriend and his family it's a big deal.. but i dont care. this entry will be short so im sorry about that.. for my birthday ive been with riley and i spent the day just at home with him tbh, but at midnight he let me open my gift! we always do that because we are so bad at keeping gifts a secret. he got me silent hill 1 !! for the ps1!!! dude i love silent hill and i've been thinking about getting it for the ps1 and finally i now have it. other than that we went out for dinner, i had sushi and he had ramen. he even set up his ps1 so that i could replay silent hill as it was intended! his parents got me a ton of candy and a david lynch book.. 

i feel so lucky. for the next few days im staying here. i dont want to go back to manchester at all. im always alone, i hate it so so much. i think i'll be able to set up my ps1 back home now FINALLY. im gonna try and replay my copy of metal gear solid as well.. which will be so so awesome!! AND resident evil 9 comes out in like 5 days. riley preordered it for me on valentines IM SO LUCKY!!!

im still working on my outlast trials project as well. my initial research is finished.. for now.. 

and my cake was like super yum btw. 

2/2/26

riley came yesterday, I didn't write.. uni today was eh. just whatever, I had to watch "I, Daniel blake"... which bordered on poverty porn. I have such long days too. yesterday I picked up riley and he just hung out in my room. he goes home Tuesday. after uni we went to the Xiu Xiu Eraserhead show. That was amazing and I really loved it. I got to be super close to the stage as well!! it was such a beautiful show. I've had such a David lynch themed last few weeks. i'm so so lucky.

31/1/26

riley comes over tomorrow. both me and my friend are having a hard time living in out flat in Manchester. we both miss our boyfriends. I didn't do much. i'm taking a little break from silent hill f. I have at least one more main ending to get, then maybe try to get the ufo… i'm still so shocked January is almost over. i'm a little sad riley didn't try to come over sooner. cody and riley want to play.. so i'll write more tomorrow.

30/1/26

I can't believe that January is almost over. so crazy. i'm wondering how I did on my last assignments. I didn't do amazing the first half of the semester. I did just did ok. but anyway, I have 3/4 endings of silent hill f. hopefully, i'll be done soon. I've started liking the game more and more as I've been playing it. I think we are going to be so back, and silent hill f is just the start. riley comes over sunday. I wish it was sooner, it's so hard spending so much time alone. calling my friends and playing games is a lot of fun and helps me. I actually had a lot of fun playing overwatch with my friend jude. I didn't think I would like it. I've been keeping all of the blog entries in a diary/journal thing. it's pretty awesome, I really like the physical aspect of writing. it always feels goof to put pen to paper. i'm thinking about writing a piece about outlast trials and no i'm not a human

29/1/26

media class was today. it wasn't that bad. my friends were fun. I nearly lost my fucking wallet too.. I've still been having a hard time sleeping. everything is so loud here and by the time it's quiet...I can't sleep because i'm alone. so weird. anyways, last night I got another silent hill f ending. i'm gonna keep going until I get all of the endings. it's shaping up to be an amazing game. I want to finish it before RE9. I also ordered two new books today! my friend does want to play overwatch with me.. I am scared of that.

28/1/26

I still overslept today. horrible. I went to the store, and I also did my reading. it was all about media convergence. most of my friends don't care for the media classes, but it's pretty interesting to me. sometimes I feel like I care so much about what i'm doing. i'm also slowly ripping my cd collection. today though.. my cd player is slowly dying. i'm so upset. anyways I have class tomorrow. oh yeah, I applied to a job... an editorial job where I proposed to start a games column. I also stretched my septum again

26/1/26

I started uni and all we did was watch the hairspray remake. it was fine, it was totally cool seeing my friends again. I feel like I have nothing to write about. I started more of my silent hill f playthrough. I've also had a hard time sleeping recently.

Last Friday I was lucky to catch a screening of Mulholland drive. it was Riley's first time seeing it.. we got sandwiches and held hands.



16/1/26

not doing anything special. It's the anniversary of David Lynch's death. I miss him. Next week I'm going to see Mulholland Drive in the cinema...

15/1/26

Yesterday I woke up in so much pain early in the morning. It hurt so bad that once I took my meds and slept again, my meds knocked me out till 1 pm. I just want to listen to Depeche Mode.

13/1/26

continued because I wrote this in the early morning

my JOJOs boxset arrived today, it's pretty cool. that stuff isn't really available in England. I'm thinking of playing Alan Wake... I'm just..waiting around for uni to start at this point. 

9/1/26

working my fucking ass off with uni. finished and reviewed dark souls too. ugh
starting cathrine.. i'm going to delete Instagram when my winter break is over!!!! I HATE IT!!!! i feel so insecure, i'm so scared everyday. i want to focus on what i love.

13/1/26 
*RIPS MY SHIRT OPEN AND HOWLS AT THE MOON* I AM FREE FROM ALL MY ESSAY DEADLINES. I do really hope I did good, I promise I tried pretty hard. I ended up writing two essays for these assessments:
1) Masculinity in Neo-Noir - Chinatown and Cruising
2) Category III films in Hong Kong and their marketing in the west.

The CATIII essay was so much more important to me, but I felt so stressed working on it. I also got a message today saying that my landlord is still trying to fix my washing machine. This has been broken since like.... probably early October. It's been a really really long time. Ugh. 

My dad's also probably going to work up in Scotland for most of the year, pretty cool because I do get really homesick. BUT as much as I love my dad.. I need some space away from him too. It's complicated, I should be happy my one family member will be in the same country for once.. but I also like the distance. 

I need to plan out my next game, next movie, etc. I'm pretty bummed I didn't get that webdesign job still. It felt so so perfect. I never heard anything back from that gamestesting job.. I feel hopeless. I wish I had something outside of uni. I love uni, but everything is so dull with out an extra push

7/1/26

YESTERDAY I GOT A CALL BACK. I got a call back to go to the doctors for my hrt OMG YAYAYY i'm so hopeful it goes well... it's feb 17th, shortly before my birthday!!!! I'm still working on my uni stuff and playing dark souls 1, both are kicking my ass..

4/1/26

Today it's snowing. I feel a little sick today, maybe because it's been in the negatives... I got a couple nice noodle bowls and a paella dish for Christmas so I'm making everyone dinner tonight. Udon and Battle Royale with my sweet bf, I got it on dvd yesterday! I also started playing dark souls, I just finished dark souls 2 so I'm trying to get through the series.. I also started on one of my assignments last night. I'm so tired. 

I don't want to go back to uni, but I also really want to. I miss class.

New Years - 1/1/26


It's Jan first, I don't think I have any resolutions. I do need to get a good start on my essays, probably soon.. I'm just so lazy, winter break is always hard to work over. I'm really grateful since this summer working on this site, I try to keep it up as much as I possibly can. I'm grateful for people who check up and look at my site.. thank you..

Back in England - 31/12/25

It's New Years Eve! I got back to England last night. Christmas with my dad was fun! It was relaxing, I got some really nice stuff from everyone. I feel so lucky! I even got some nice cooking stuff lol. I'm happy to be back in England, but I am so anxious about my testosterone. I hope I'll be ok, I'm going to try and sort it out as soon as I can. Otherwise I'm going to be off it for a while. 

I have some assignments coming up in the new year, I really need to get started on them, but I'm struggling to have any motivation. This is mainly due to me kinda dreading everything with my hrt.. 

Other than that I have been playing the Nightreign DLC when I was at home, I even got some Bloodborne and Elden Ring related stuff for Christmas. I'll probably take a picture at some point. I've been so bad at keeping up with everything, I just lose all track of time and forget to do anything. 

We spent our time on beating Dark Souls 2 FINALLY!. It's a totally mid game but whatever..



Christmas Eve - 24/12/25


My dad came back last night, was chill. He went on holiday to Japan then went back to the states for some work stuff. He brought me back Discharge buttons lol. He's been sleeping a ton, I hope he's not severely jet lagged. Tonight is Christmas eve dinner... I'm gonna try and make salmon or something nice for everyone. Let's hope it goes well. 

Bad News... - 22/12/25

I haven't done much, yesterday I saw my friend and we exchanged gifts! Overall was just a chill day. I feel like things are getting bad. I was meant to go to the doctors today, I was planning everything out. I then got a call from the doctors office. My old specialist moved and I was told that the new one wasn't comfortable working with me. So they refused to give me a refill on my HRT. I can't believe it. It feels like the beginning of the end, Riley said it's just a bump in a really long road. I'm hoping it's just that. I'm so upset. It feels so unfair. I hope today gets better. 

Me and Riley are planning to go out for dinner. Lets hope it's nice and we enjoy our night before my dad comes home tomorrow. 

SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING!!! - 20/12/25

I have been so busy, I did do my bloodtest. My results came back and they were all good! I didn't get either website jobs, one of them even said that I got really far into the application process and just didn't get it. Whatever :( ... I just got to my dad's last night. I have Riley with me this Christmas, it's always such a hard time of year so I'm hopeful that having Riley around will be good. My dad IS NOT HERE !!! He's back in the states for work still, he thought that he'd be back...but he's not. Sighh... He's coming home on the 23rd. I'm glad to be back home though, I miss my friends that still live here A friend gifted me Cathrine!!! which is SO awesome. I'll probably play that after DS2.. 

I do have a doctors appointment the 22nd, which is frustrating because it's on the navy base and I have no way to get there !! other than taxi!! which is so stressful because my spanish isn't good enough, especially on the phone :( I'll update on how that goes.. it's my last time getting HRT here. I'm hoping the waitlist isn't bad.

Waitlisted - 26/11/25

currently watching youtube

I got another message from the GP saying they require at minimum - two appointments, extensive blood tests to get everything done for them to get me a prescription. Insanity. They will contact me when my appointments are available, I have no clue how long the wait is..some people say around 18 months. When I go home I'll likely have 14 months of supply - maybe.. but I will make my hrt work to fit that time frame. Hopefully when someone sees me I can explain the situation and things will go better.
I'm going to probably study or maybe play something today... hopefully I play with my friends a little and have a good night. Megan wants to check out the local japanese place, which is really good. I'm down.

Didn't die in my sleep - 25/11/25

Currently Listening: Nothing

I unfortunately woke up today. I couldn't stop crying last night. I'm super scared to lose my medication.. I don't want to stop my transition at all. I've got my last refill and appointment back home set up.. I've contacted a GP to ask if they are willing to take me on and help me. I also read over my reading review and submitted it. Just to get it over with honestly. I'm hoping they will help me, even just a little. I'm so anxious, I don't want to lose everything. Hormones are my last lifeline.. I don't know what I'd do with out it.  I did get a response, I can't come in for any of the dates for a fucking bloodtest but they requested me to be on the waitlist at least..

The rest of the day I played fortnite and called my friends... it helps to do that when I'm here in my flat. I'm trying to maybe see if Riley can come over next week because he's off. 

The doctors contacted me again saying to come in next week for my bloodtest. I hate doing these things. I hate hate HATE bloodtests.

Roomate!!! - 24/11/2025

>

Currently listening: Eyehategod - Dopesick

So I wake up right, it's 11 am. I didn't sleep till maybe almost 6, but I also woke up several times in between. I go to dial my landlord. Text from my shitass roommate:

"I've called, because it seems everyone forgot..." etc.

I tell her I was literally about to call them as I just woke up, I didn't sleep well so it's annoying to purposely try and call when I haven't gotten sleep. She gets all pissed that I told her that if she wanted me to call them after they open (essentially) then to lmk, not to get mad that I do it on my own time. I said last week it'd be "early", but on my days off I don't wake up before 9 - simple as. She spends all her time pissed off on the phone and calling other people. She can't even clean up after herself, but she can send nasty and rude messages because things aren't done her way. I'm not setting extra alarms that aren't to wake me up just to do her bidding. Yeah our situation sucks, but don't get mad at people for not doing something if you don't give them the chance!!!

Idk why, but the situation had me burst out into tears. I am made to feel like an idiot, she's so up her own ass. Like all I can say is I'm sorry I was sleeping. It's just so rude. After I got done with being upset I decided to go to the Asian grocery store for some cooking stuff, walked there and back to just relax myself. I'm thinking about the jobs I applied for - they're two web admin jobs for my uni. They're for various different websites and student services for my uni.. I thought it would be a good fit because it's just wordpress and I have some coding experience and I can maintain a site well enough. I'm not sure I'll get one of them, but maybe the more entry wordpress training provided one I have a good chance at. Uni jobs are so weird tho, because they either just want your CV and a cover letter or they want these at max 500 word answers to their questions. I hope I get the more entry level one, it's mainly remote and I would prefer that. 

I did nothing today really. I got my reading review sorta done. It's hit the word count - but for sure needs some revision. I'll probably do that tomorrow. After that I made dinner, debriefed with my cool roommate, and just watched movies. I rewatched Secretary and Sex, Lies, and Videotape. Very James Spader night. anyways...I'm tired. I hope I die in my sleep. 

Fortnite and Studying - 23/11/2025

Current listening: HIM - Razorblade Romance

Uni has been good otherwise, mostly. I've started on my reading review and I've been seeing my friends again at uni. I have a few things due in January that I wanna start thinking about. I am considering writing about CAT3 films for my world cinema class, maybe I'll write about Chinatown and a way better film for my genres class. It's just the days inbetween uni that are long and torturous.

I haven't done much today other than study, get started on my reading review and play some fortnite with my bf and friend Cody. I'm ready for this stupid season to be over... I'm probably going to go and play some Killer 7 in a bit..then play some Nightreign with Riley for a bit. We are preparing for the DLC to come out! I wanna get back into it. This week I have to call the landlord - until they sort out our washing machine. I think tomorrow I'll go to the Asian supermarket and get some more golden curry and I need some dashi. I might even consider some imitation crab...not sure, it's just something to do. The only problem is that the weather has been disgusting and cold.

I can't wait to go home back to Spain, I miss my dad a lot. He was in Japan and that looked super cool, I wish I had the chance to travel outside Spain and the UK. I should be grateful for what I do have the chance to do.. Riley's coming home with me for Christmas as well. That's really exciting! It's usually just me and my dad for Christmas, so having my bestfriend/boyfriend would be good to make the family feel even just a tiny bit bigger. His Christmas gifts are on the way,,, but I can't say what they are.. incase he reads this..

There's also a good chance that I'll hang out with my friend Tilly as well!! I hope so. I think even though I'm really depressed I'm going to try and make an effort to do more stuff even in my room. Either that be playing games or calling Riley or drawing or listening to music or paying really good attention to a movie. Anything else. I want to try and make this better than it is. Bye bye for today. 

Lame and Sad - 22/11/2025

Current listening: Nothing :((

I feel like a retard everyday. Not much going on, it's freezing cold and miserable everyday.. I was with Riley these last two weeks, but I had to come back because if I miss anymore class I could get deported or something. I miss being there already and I only came back Wednesday. It was a nice time with him tho, his birthday passed and he liked his gifts. Now I just have to wait for Christmas break. 

I'm such a little bitch because I have this weekend and literally two weeks of class left, but I'm exhausted. I'm sad all the time, even around Riley to some extent. Seasonal depression? Idk. I did submit my group project that was due last week, so I think we are doing there. I need to do one of my reading reviews which is a pain, but it's not due until Dec 11th. I just want to be at home now..

I cried at the thought of coming back to my apartment in Manchester. I don't like my roommate. AT ALL. She's a really mean, dirty, and rude person. What gets me the most is that she will often bring men from tinder into the house, with out telling us, then fucks them super loud. I live underneath her, I shouldn't be able to hear if she's fucking someone. It's disgusting, it makes me super uncomfortable. I wish I never moved in with her sometimes. My bf said if she has one guy over, then I go to his house and commute. It will be expensive, but better than walking around curry mile in the middle of the night to avoid the sound. 

I have such a hard time in this city. I am always so alone here, even though there's so many people. I'm just alone every other day of the week, the ones I'm not in uni. Part of me wishes she would just have someone over so I have a reason to just get up and leave. I feel like I can't do it anymore.

november 2, 2025

SINCE LAST TIME I UPDATED!

I have been so busy since uni started, nothing fun or crazy happened between last time I updated and Halloween. All through October I try to get into Halloween spirit by watching a ton of movies and playing games.

I did play through RE1 for the gamecube, RE2, silent hill f (first play through) but honestly the action horror really wore me out T_T... i also was working on getting the silent hill 2 remake platinum and bloodborne platinum..so i think i need a change up

Uni is off to a good start too !! My world cinema class is way better than my genres class, which sometimes is so difficult to get through as some of the movies aren't that good but whatever.. I have two sets of notes and a reading review due in December for world cinema... and a group project due for my genres class WAAAHHH. i'm doing my part of the project on perfect blue, so I'm at least doing a really good film.

it's been really nice to see my friends at uni, but sometimes i'm scared they don't really like me, but whatever. i always feel really paranoid about all that because i'm just that kind of person...

i need to rip my entire cd collection soon.. i want to get rid of spotify one day

this last month was also the two year anniversary of my mom passing, which was really hard to deal with. i usually take grief on the chin, but something about it really got to me. i think i was hanging up the few pictures i had of her and realized what time of year it was. i do miss her a lot, i just figured after a certain point i'd just get used to it. 

i think one of the hardest things about losing her was that i was so far away. i still am really far away.

other than that i have been looking for a new place to move ... me and my friend/flatmate have this really awful other flatmate that just is impossible to live with. shes dirty, shes annoying, and has way too loud sex. she lies to us all the time. but we found a new place for just the two of us. it's in this beautiful historic building with a big shared garden. i think next year i'll be so much happier. 

i did have fun at halloween. my bf and i went as re1 wesker and the og zombie :P i made new friends (?) as well, i went to stockport with my bf and flatmate and met up with a friend from uni. i met all of her friends and they were pretty nice to me! i hope they did genuinely like me and not pretend... i have no clue if i will ever see those people again >_< sometimes when i go out people talk to me and i have to explain my ENTIRE history . like yes im american, yes i lived in spain, yes i live here now.. but a lot of times people just say it's their first time meeting an american, so i just play nice :P i did genuinely have fun tho!! i thought everyone was cool!

 

october 6, 2025

my first week at uni was ok!

i started uni this past thursday and friday, which was cool. i was definitely nervous, but it was really nice to see my friends because i really didnt see anyone over the summer. i'm taking a film genres class on fridays and on thursdays i have a world cinema class. i even had to buy a fucking textbook for my film genres class. i better be using this textbook this year, it sucks to spend so much money if it goes to waste. it's pretty cool that we have screenings both days at uni tho, so i'm gonna end up watching alot more movies. 

in world cinema we watched atlantics/atlantique, genres we watched the big lebowski. both really good films, just hoping that all these screenings don't exhaust me (i know it sounds crazy to be complaining about watching movies for school but early in the morning drains me)

it's getting kinda scary now, my professors have spoken about dissertations and shit... so i'm pretty scared. i still think i want to focus it on bloodborne, since i have a lot of opinions (i havent updated my page in a while T_T).

i'm just NEARLY finished with my big essay i spoke about ages ago, i know it seems like i 've put it off for a really long time, but i swear i havent.

fun stuff!

i haven't been drawing, i wanted to make red dead redemption lino prints, but i haven't found any of the materials to get started on it. i'm going to try and start drawing more. i started a little sketch of vicar amelia, so hopefully that turns into something good and not a waste of my time. 

i did also get the platinum for the silent hill 2 remake all week. after all those hours.... i still prefer the original. it's not a bad remake at all, but its just down to stylistic preferences. i think the remake does a really good job on expanding the game, has really amazing ambiance, and does really cool interesting things. i'm just not really pleased on how bright some of the scenes are and some of the voice acting direction. idk, the weird kinda bad voice acting fits the surreal, dreamy vibe. the twist is less obvious in the original, the remakes direction of being more grounded in reality sounds a bit on the nose to me. idk maybe its because i've played silent hill 2 ...alot... 

now i am going for the bloodborne platinum! i'm playing it with my bf so replaying should be so much easier :3 

other than that i've been having to make super 'grown up' purchases like shit for my room and "groceries" -__- because i "have to eat". i hate being 20. 

september 28, 2025

ITS BEEN SO LONG IM SORRY!!!!!

This last week has been so slow and felt like torture. I'm back in my flat and no longer in my boyfriends house. HOW MISERABLE!! Jkk I'm like super independant and free, but it is a little lonely. I've been so tired recently too, trying to fix my sleep schedule. that's cus I start uni... THURSDAY!!! NO!!! Whatever tho, I had such an awesome summer with Riley and I'm pretty excited to see my friends at uni especially. I love them. I love uni too... I get to just like watch movies. 

New Stuff

I'm currently working into getting my room more sorted and cute. I did order a shelf for my media collection and it was delivered TO THE WRONG HOUSE!!! so I'm cleaning up and shit in my room. Look at this crazy stack of what's meant to be on my shelf... also my new red dead poster!!!

I did get some cool stuff, mainly magazines and MGS1.. I'll take pics of my other stuff I've collected eventually... specifically once I get my SHELF.

HOW COOL!!!

Writing and Playing

I'm still working on my essay btw.. I want it done sooner, but getting ready for uni and being tired it's just like augghhh.......It's going well and I'm really having fun, especially bc I'm just talking about my favorite things. 

I've been playing some Balatro (addicting ngl..)...I really wanna get back into playing AA3, but I usually play during uni.. I'm also starting to work towards SH2 remake PLATINUM. I will say,, I prefer the original sh2,,, but I do really like the remake. I'm also going to work towards the Bloodborne platinum!!!!! I'm just waiting for Riley to catch up so we can play it together.. but i KNOW his ass is playing Silent Hill F and I'm SO jealous.

I'm planning to read the pain journals by Bob Flanagan.

september 9, 2025

Genitorturers was AWESOME!!!!

I haven't done too much, but I drew some stuff and been having fun! I haven't updated the site in a few days ough, but it's also FINALLY fall!! I'm setting stuff up for uni and chilling until I'm back full time! I'm not sure if I'm doing any gigs either but I might, only issue is that the next one happens on my first day back. SO maybe I'll do some improv stuff instead of actually playing bass. If you wanna see the new drawings click here!!

When I saw Genitortures OMG!!! I had to go back to my flat and leave my bfs but it was amazing. They had such a sick and fun set and I was singing everything!!! I even got a fistbump from their bassist hehee :3. After that I did take the set list off the stage :3 The opener bands were also really great!!! After the show I got a t shirt and met the singer!! She was really nice to me, I even gave her a drawing (i hope she kept it lol) I got a pic and an autograph as well. The singer, Gen, initially wanted to sign my drawing and give it back to me. I told her that I wrote a little letter and if that if she wanted the drawing she was free to keep it. It was so awesome!

When she saw my drawing, she said I gave her a boob job!! I felt so bad, especially bc I just happened to use an older pic of her (T_T) I didn't know what to say so I just said "I promise your boobs look great!!"... LOL. She was super sweet tho, she even told me it was cool being from the same state! Especially since were seeing them in Manchester...She ended up signing my Skin Two magazine that featured her! I had no clue that she was in it when I bought it, but she said she remembered being featured and that it was really cool to see!! I feel so lucky :3

Setlist Playlist!

august 30,2025

being unemployed so hard

i have soooo much free time and free will it's insane... i once again, have NOT kept up with my dream journal. i really haven't done much, but since my last update i finally got my uni time table YAY. i'm so excited to go back to uni, i miss a lot of the friends i had there. on other notes, i really haven't done much. i kinda hate that.... i did get a few things done which is nice. 

a while ago i really REALLY needed to get a new computer, and just before i made this hellscape website, i did get a new one. there comes the burden of decorating. i spent a little money and got some stickers heheehehehe. i have some back at my apartment i wanna use, mainly just dante stickers hehe. also during this i was on a bit of a decorating spree, so i also decorated my sketchbook!

i also drew for the first time in a long while, its a very ok drawing. if you want to see it click here!!

i have also have been writing, its a piece about identity and shit specifically focusing on David Lynch, Garage: Bad Dream Adventure and the Silent Hill series. i'm only nearly done with the section on David Lynch. My goal is to have it done just before i get back to uni, that way i can focus on my actual school work. 

i'm also seeing genitortures on septemeber 7th!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED !!! 

GAMES!

i only recently played like 2 games, red dead redemption and dark souls 3. both were pretty good as well! red dead redemption was much more fun for me, especially because i'm definitely more into cowboys not knights and dragons. with dark souls 3 i didn't initially intend to play it, but after trying the original dark souls i figured i should play the most modern one. especially coming off of elden ring. it's such a grindy game, but i hate grinding, so i made friends and played with people the whole run. honestly fromsoft glazers need to enjoy the co-op more, it's the most fun part!

next i plan to bust the ps3 out again and play dead space 2. then after might come sekiro... i will decide soon. 

august 16, 2025

Recently I haven’t done THAT much bc it was SO HOTTT. I’m still waiting around for uni to start, which should be around the 30th of September. AOUGGHH I’m so excited! I feel bad for people who dread going to uni, because I really enjoy it. Idk why… I just love studying and shit. Other than that, I’m starting a writing project! I’m planning it around David Lynch, Garage, and Silent Hill. It seems kinda messy so far, idea wise. I just really want to get my thoughts out about this stuff in a place where I’m not really graded on anything. I think I have a solid structure so far, but I need to get to my uni library and have a look at what literature I can find. There’s so little about Silent Hill and especially Garage. I haven’t really gone out except to CEX and didn’t get anything at all. I did take some pics w my boyfriend (I’m not putting here bc he is a little shy). It must seem like i'm crazy obsessed with my boyfriend... IM NOT!! He's just my best friend in the whole world and we do everything together. I feel so at home with him. He encourages me to do everything I do.

I did get a wonderful copy of Silent Hill 2 FINALLY. I’ve seen this game busted to shit irl so many times. I am so happy about it.

I’ve also drawn a little bit, but not much. Just a little bit of Dead Space doodles.

Reviews:

sorry idk if i put this one in ever

 

Cool ass screenshots:

Dream Diary:

DUDE I FORGOT TO BE DOING THIS AUGHHHH I hate this. I should’ve been doing this. I forgor.

august 6, 2025

The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer

I finished Laura Palmer's diary today, it was fantastic. Honestly, heartbreaking. I cried so much by the end of it. But really Laura has always made me cry. I didn't think I'd relate to her at all, but some stuff really stuck out to me. Some of the passages really resonated with me, it's so easy to forget Laura is an abused teenage girl. Well, I mean that a lot of people seem to forget that she is. I hated when people constantly mischaracterized her and posted her with Charli XCX. 

Laura haunts me so much. Along side this, I listened to a lot of music when reading. One of Xiu Xiu's covers of the Twin Peaks soundtrack takes an entire diary entry. I went back to the entry and listened to it. It's so haunting. If you like the original soundtrack, Xiu Xiu reworks the soundtrack so beautifully. They then add the song that Leland sings in at the end. It's horrifying and reminds me how scary Twin Peaks truly is. 

                       

The diary starts from the age of 12 to around 16-17, just leading up before the murder. It details how she met Leo, Bobby, and her relationship with Donna. How long she's known of Bob, her inner thoughts, her addiction to cocaine, and her experiences with sex work. I really recommend it, I think I will add it into my routine with Twin Peaks, being: 

I don't play around with Twin Peaks. This isn't the only Twin Peaks book that works itself into the narrative. There's an 'autobiography' of F.B.I Agent Dale Cooper, several Twin Peaks guidebooks (in universe guidebooks I believe), and also Dale Cooper tapes to Diane (WHICH I'D KILL FOR SINCE THEYRE REAL TAPES)

Dream Diary?

I have also been writing my dreams down the last few days. Sometimes I can remember them, so I try to write them down immediately after waking up. I never remember dreams, if I do they're usually nightmares. I guess I'll put them down here from the last 3 days. They don't really make sense, but maybe they are somewhat interesting to read. 

3/8/25 -

My dream was nothing special, I made a new friend, she looked like Riley (my boyfriend) but a girl. We ran around and talked about movies, specifically about 'Sex, Lies, and Videotape'. Before I woke up we went to Home Goods and looked at Halloween decorations and get cards for each other to celebrate our new friendship. 

4/8/25 -

I can't remember this one much, A lot focused on AI, Elden Ring, and hotels. Maybe I am remembering several dreams at once. 

6/8/25-

Everyone wanted something from me, something only for Riley, but Riley wouldn't even take it. 

Everything Else

I haven't been doing much, sometimes I play games, but I've mostly been reading. I've been playing some Dead Space and Doom (2016) which is fun, but I think I'm starting to feel fatigue. I really just want to go back to uni now. I also found out my dad isn't moving back to America, which means I don't lose my healthcare. That's just great. Right when he's supposed to be going I cry and lose sleep over healthcare and never seeing my friends again. So fucked up. But at least I might be okay. It's such a bummer tho, bc I have spent my entire summer applying to jobs. A lot of them. I didn't get a single one. Now its nearing the end and I won't be working long enough to even keep the job so what's the point. With my dad leaving I thought I would work over Christmas, but now I'm not so sure. He's my only family and I'm all he's got. I'd feel bad not going, but I only go for two weeks. BUT I am also not there when people would actually want me to be there. So maybe I'm just fucked. I'm doomed to have no work experience and be broke lol. 

july 29, 2025

BLACKPOOL TRIP!

I went to Blackpool today for the first time, which was soo crazy and fun. I've never been to a place like it. My boyfriend and I walked all down the pier, mostly going into arcades. The coolest one was Coral Island, which I think is the biggest arcade in all of the UK?? Anyway, it was sooo surreal and interesting and I really adore it. 

sonic basketballhalo gamealien game

The arcades were something else, kinda like a Dave and Busters but on crack. I've never seen SO many slot machines next to coin pusher games. (TBF I have never seen those either lol) My favorite games were definitely the Aliens Armageddon, Walking Dead, and the Mario Kart driving thing hehee. Which, I WON against my boyfriend. I really didn't get much for prizes, other then a keyring that saids best husband in the world or something for my bf. I also got my fortune told by a freaky thing!!!

Other than the arcades I went to a CEX (of course) and the Blackpool Tower Dungeon. Both were really cool! The only thing I got from CEX was a boxset of Twin Peaks: The Return. Which means I finally own ALL of Twin Peaks physically, INCLUDING LAURA'S DIARY!! Which I have started reading btw! The Tower Dungeon thing was cool too, we went in only bc we passed by it. It was like this historical haunted house thing. It was fun! Riley was called up as a volunteer almost all the time.

 Perhaps when I am back in my flat I will show my full Twin Peaks collection :3

july 27, 2025

I've been soo fucking lazy sorry!!!!

Honestly, non-stop I've been reading or sleeping or playing games. Unemployment is driving me nuts. I've applied to so much and most recently a reception role at a tattoo shop. That I'm really hopeful for, but I'd have to leave my boyfriends place and live in my flat again. Idk... a friend did shout me out that I'd be good for the job.. so maybe if I get that I should go for it. I'm hopeful anyways. 

In other news, I'm going to Blackpool in two days. I have no clue wtf that's all about, but I'm really eager to go. I'm excited especially bc I've been stuck in my boyfriends house for most of the month. I haven't gone back to the city or anything. 

What a boring blog post, but it's been almost a week so yes.......I should update it. I think I need to start drawing again so I have something to fill my time. 

I have just finished Jamie Stewart's "Anything That Moves". ABSOLUTE PEAKKK. It's mostly a sex memior (??) he stated that he included anything weird and funny. A lot of it is, it's also so vulnerable too. I also had my boyfriend watch Tokyo Decadence with me, he liked it at least... such a gorgeous movie. My review SUCKED tho so i'm not including it. I'm also playing a lot of Alan Wake 2, also peak..

Next on the List:

july 21, 2025

Lots of reading is going down. 

I'm not sure why I have been itching to read again, I used to do it a lot more in school. It's been nicer to not be on my phone in the middle of the day between doing things. So, first on my list has been Steve-o's book: "Professional Idiot: a memoir". It's honestly a pretty solid read. 

I think it depends on your opinion of him and your level of empathy for people who are just crazy. Steve-o definitely says some fucked up stuff, dropped a few slurs here and there, but ultimately he doesn't seem like a hateful person. I think he's simply recounting things he actually said while in a drug fuelled state. So warning there, I guess. 

I think what redeems him is the fact he did get sober and realizes that he was an asshole, he calls out his past self on it. It's a pretty fun read if anything, it's equal parts funny and horrifying. 

I also found out it was signed lol, pretty cool. 

steveo's autograph

Anyways, I read it because I found it in a charity shop. I really had no clue that he had a book, I knew about the clean and sober thing but not the memior. It's good. I'm also not really sure as to why I get on a memior binge. I used to be a pretty strictly horror fiction person, but I read a few memiors in the past that got me into it. Namely "Get in the Van" by Henry Rollins and "Girl in a Band" by Kim Gordon. I read recently that some people didn't like Kim's book. Maybe I like too many people, or maybe I am more empathetic towards people. I don't know why anyone expects everyone (namely famous people) to be these really clean, good, well-rounded people. I feel it's like a given people suck lol.

Steve-o's book was pretty good, I appreciate he's self-aware. 

Next on the List:

 

I also definitely have some unfinished books lying around in my flat, I just haven't been back to get them and drop what I have at my boyfriend's off yet. Other than that, I've been playing No More Heroes, which is pretty cool. Tonight I am going to also start Alan Wake 2, which I really loved but never finished. It's been kinda hard lately with chronic pain lol.

july 15, 2025

i've been doing a lot of nothing!!!!! this will probably be a short post...

i got two platinums recently, which i've never done like ever. but it was fun at least! well, the nightreign one was a lot of fun in comparision to the elden ring one.

idk what even my next game will be, i've played a little of lies of p, which i do like. lot's of bloodborne aesthetics and aggression with sekiro parrying. i'm kinda sad to be done with elden ring, because i really really like it. but it was so exhausting to try and come back to get the platinum.. especially after the dlc. idk if i put my dlc review on here so i'll put it below. its a bit long

like i said i haven't done much else. so this is kinda it...

july 8, 2025

I don't have much to put here, but I need to start using this more. considering that most people probably don't actually read this, i can say whatever i want. unless you do, hi....

i've been fine, just kinda eh. i'm not entirely depressed, but i feel it coming. i've been trying to get a job, but everywhere says no. how hard is it to work minimum wage? impossible, i guess. honestly, it scares me. i need a job simply to get back on healthcare. i lost it with my dad moving away. it was already hard because i travelled to get my medication and now i cant. i'm already overseas. i dont think people realize how hard it is to live here with very little support. i only have my boyfriend, he keeps me happy. i think my dad only thinks i'm ok because my boyfriend can make sure i'm not dead. 

i'm scared, doctors here are transphobic as fuck sometimes. i've been refused bloodtests in the past, i'm scared i cant afford a new specialist. i have enough medication to last until decemeber (?) i think. but i dont want to stop. i dont know what i will do if i stop. if you stop testosterone i hear you go through muscle atrophy, which doesn't help because i literally take pain medication already. WHICH I ALSO LOSE. i feel so fucked over man. 

in less shitty news, i'm back on my dumbphone shenanigans. less dumb, i ususally use like a flip phone during uni. but its summer time and im not as busy, i got my old iphone 5 working really well. so i'm using that, i prefer it really. having this kinda keeps me off my phone. i grew up fairly offline anyways, so i struggle to both keep up and to put my phone down. the iphone 5 is like a nice little heater lol. 

having the iphone 5 reminds me of when i was detained in highschool. god, i mustve been 16-17? i'm saying that like im 30, i'm only 20. anyways, i was left with my dads ex-wife for ~2 weeks? i wasn't legally allowed to be around her. anyways i decided to walk on the highway for like 6 hours to stay with a friend, instead i got 4 hours in because some lame asshole called the cops. it was fine, they gave me food and let me go to my friends. 

in other shitty news, i got some nice dvds today, maybe if i figure out something to regularly display art/collection updates i could put it on the home page, kinda like the status cafe. i saw that there is a photo version but it wont approve me smh. 

i got perfect blue, gummo, tokyo decadence. all pretty fucking awesome. 

anyways here's my most recent review

june 29, 2025

First thing - lots of new DVDS!! OMG!!

I went to CEX Wednesday and only got a shit ton of DVDs!! So many great blu-rays were in the shop omg. I didn't get anything else that day, there weren't really any CDs (other than a cure best of i found in a charity shop) that I wanted.I managed to find some of my favorites!! FINALLY!!!!!!!! I was most excited for Frankenhooker and Nekromantik. I did manage to find a Jörg Buttgereit film at CEX ages ago, called Schramm. It's pretty solid. Other than those things, I only got some hair dye and bleach and finally redid my hair!!

Second thing- My hair!

I finally changed my hair, it's been SO long since I have done it. I feel so nice about it. I got blue black dye, which is my go-to, and a bleach kit that lifts up to nine levels.. I was pretty anxious since it's been like forever since I bleached my hair, but I finally took the plunge!! It looks so cute :3 WEBMASTER FACE REVEAL!?

Recent reviews!

june 19, 2025

This post is a bit late because I didn't have my computer, but... I SAW NINE INCH NAILS!!

the show was absolutely amazing. I really loved every bit of it, even the opener. The opener for NIN was a dj/producer who goes by BoysNoize. I think they worked with Trent Reznor/NIN in the past. Maybe on Challengers? I really had no clue as to what the set list would be like that night, Manchester was the second show of the tour... which meant anything can happen. I was hoping for quite a few songs I didn't hear, but others that blew me away. The first is "That's What I Get" which hasn't been performed since 1991 :0!! The other what "The Perfect Drug", which I lost my mind for.

The set was so yummy, I mean, we got alot of acoustic stuff inbetween and really cool remixes with BoysNoize. I wish I had pictures! During BoysNoize and their remixes of NIN tracks it was literally like the blood rave scene in Blade. God it was a fantastic show. I'm so sad it's over.

june 16, 2025

my first diary post yay! unfortunately, i haven't got much to add to my small collection of games and movies.

this is my most recent additions to my collection! all of this i got when i went home to visit my dad for a month this summer. my bf and i managed to find a cex in jerez, which was a shock!! pretty exciting. i got silent hill 3 for a much cheaper price, same for manhunt 2! the red dead redemption shirts amazing as well, so cutee!!!! i also finally got my own copy of bloodborne!! my favorite game. it's such a fantastic haul and so many lucky finds!

my recent listening hasn't been too crazy so far, i'm a very seasonal person for music. summer is such a weird time for me because all the music feels so different than what i normally listen to. this is my summer playlist so far!

one of the newest albums i've listened to was boots by women of sodom. it's such an interesting mix of industrial with hardcore feminism. i definitely suggest listening if that's your thing. another i've really been liking is the failure epiphany by unternull.

despite being a film and media student i've honestly been lacking on watching movies. one of the stand-out movies i watched was friday from 1995. everything else has been rewatches. i've spent more of my time playing games, especially elden ring. i played a lot of nightreign when i was back home with my dad, but once i got back i played and finished the dlc. definitely think the base game outshines the dlc!